I think I need help. No, seriously...

In the last several weeks...ok, scratch that. At different periods of time in the last several years the idea that I might be bi-polar has crossed my mind. Usually it's because I'm having various highs and lows that last for periods of a few weeks or more (for instance, I was "up" for a whole year when I turned 18). Whenever I've bitten the bullet and tried to talk about how I'm feeling, people would just brush it off as "normal" teenage stuff.

I'm not a teenager anymore.

Granted, I've only been out of my teens for 6 months, but I cannot let myself continue on like this. In the last year, I've experienced six months of depression followed by 2 months of rapid cycling between manic euphoria and depression--extreme depression. It's gotten to the point, and I've said this many times, that I never know what my life is going to be like from day to day. I don't know if I'm going to love every one and every thing or if I will want to drive my car into a brick wall.

I don't think any of this is helped by the fact that I'm taking a class on mental illness right now and we're discussing Bi-polar Disorder in depth. I seriously sit in class feeling like we're reading a textbook of my life. It's not a good feeling.

I guess I realize that I should try to get some psychological help, but I'm kind of scared. I feel like we live in a society and a culture where the answer to every thing is drugs. I don't want to be put on Paxil or Zoloft or what-ever-the-fuck if I really am just dealing with "normal" teenaged stuff. I certainly don't want people to think I'm crazy. I just want to feel "okay."

I have no idea why I just poured my little heart out into cyberspace. And I don't know why I picked this space, but I guess I'm glad that I did.