I think I need help. No, seriously...

In the last several weeks...ok, scratch that. At different periods of time in the last several years the idea that I might be bi-polar has crossed my mind. Usually it's because I'm having various highs and lows that last for periods of a few weeks or more (for instance, I was "up" for a whole year when I turned 18). Whenever I've bitten the bullet and tried to talk about how I'm feeling, people would just brush it off as "normal" teenage stuff.

I'm not a teenager anymore.

Granted, I've only been out of my teens for 6 months, but I cannot let myself continue on like this. In the last year, I've experienced six months of depression followed by 2 months of rapid cycling between manic euphoria and depression--extreme depression. It's gotten to the point, and I've said this many times, that I never know what my life is going to be like from day to day. I don't know if I'm going to love every one and every thing or if I will want to drive my car into a brick wall.

I don't think any of this is helped by the fact that I'm taking a class on mental illness right now and we're discussing Bi-polar Disorder in depth. I seriously sit in class feeling like we're reading a textbook of my life. It's not a good feeling.

I guess I realize that I should try to get some psychological help, but I'm kind of scared. I feel like we live in a society and a culture where the answer to every thing is drugs. I don't want to be put on Paxil or Zoloft or what-ever-the-fuck if I really am just dealing with "normal" teenaged stuff. I certainly don't want people to think I'm crazy. I just want to feel "okay."

I have no idea why I just poured my little heart out into cyberspace. And I don't know why I picked this space, but I guess I'm glad that I did.

Alone in a Crowd

That title sums up what a few of us have been going through. One thing that I have found out in my life is that I hate being alone. Truly alone.
Sure we all need space from time to time but as a race of social beings we are not meant to be alone. People keep asking me why I have five Aces on my arm "Because life ain't fair."is what I say, but come on people just because life is a bitch does not mean we have to make it worse! In the end all we do is tear each other apart,and for what the gloating rights of OH LOOK AT ME I AM RIGHT AND YOU ARE A DUMB ASS, when all we need is a bit of support. It all just makes a caring person want to howl in frustration at the masses to just open their eyes! And it makes the uncaring just that more entrenched in their ways. How are we to help improve life if we don't care about it at all? And I don't want to hear that old cop out of it was broke before I got here or why should I fix what they broke, if you draw breath then you have a duty to make things better if only by a smile every now and then! That's it I am done for now comment or don't it is your choice, just think about what I am saying here before you condemn it as garbage.

It's been awhile...

...but Deadpool's dream doesn't have to end. I don't get online as much as I used to, and I'm sure busy other's don't as well, but I really liked the blog thing. I felt like I got to know my cousin's friends, even I only got a "peek" into your worlds. Anyway...

I don't really have anything insightful or interesting to say. I'm about to start my third year of college next week and I think I may have finally figured out what I want to do when it's over. I've heard talk that soon I'm going to be very well connected to a cardio-thoracic surgeon, but we'll see when it's over and done with.

If anyone feels qualified to give romance advice, give me a holla.

C.

How do you...

How do you find yourself when you are lost? Well, I guess I don't mean "how do you, personally, find yourself." It's more like...I feel lost right now, and I'm having difficulty finding my way. I recently made a life decision to change my living arrangements, and my mother disapproves. That's cool...she's not going to approve of everything I do, and I accept that. However, every time I speak with her now, she says something that reiterates her disappointment, or her expectation of my failure, or, well, something that just needles me. Because of this, I can't seem to get over needing her approval, or at least for our relationship to return to normal.

I don't know. Not talking to my mom isn't an option, she's my best friend. I haven't let her opinions sway me, mostly because I know that I'm supposed to be growing and doing things for myself, and doing them my way. But this conflict is affecting my mood, and the mood of the folks around me. At least...I hope that's what's affecting my mood, cuz if it isn't...well, that's another blog entirely.

New looks

I now have a new look on life! I found my father and will be visiting him and my new family again this weekend! it is just great to finally know what I have been missing out on for so many years. My wife and kids are excited also,all we talk about is the trip to see them.

Still alive

Your body can do many wonderful things but without the use of heart they become droll.How does someone kick start thier soul? If you turn off your emotions for a year or more can you get them back? Without these things are you still alive?

Tell me something good...

I wanna hear good news...and good news only.

Um...for my part...I'm going to be home with my family for the 4th of July. That's great news, I think.