I can't see my future...
Part of the reason it has taken me so long to post is because I felt I had nothing profound to say. So I've been waiting, and waiting, and waiting for a thought to hit me. Then I realized something. I don't have profound thoughts--it isn't in my nature. I have random thoughts, scary thoughts, depressing thoughts, all sorts of thoughts...but nothing profound. So I've decided to just post a thought. And here I go...
Today, I realized that I can no longer see my future. I don't mean see in the sense that a psychic sees because I'm definitely no psychic, but for as long as I can remember I always knew where I was headed, how I was going to get there and I could envision myself being there. The entire time I was in grade school I knew that someday I would be a cheerleader. I could see it, and I made it happen. At any moment while I was in high school I could "see" myself graduating and going off to college. I could see it, and I also made that happen. But now that I'm here...I can't see anything anymore. I don't see myself as a college graduate; I don't even see myself as an upperclassmen. I am unable to see anything past my sophomore year, and this scares me.
It is very typical of me to make a mountain out of a molehill, and it's quite possible (and most probable) that this is exactly the case now...but I can't help thinking, "Why can't I 'see' anything?" or "What is going to come between me and my undergrad degree?" I'm suddenly very terrified, and also frustrated with myself for being so easily terrified. Maybe there really is something dark on my horizon, or maybe I just need more sleep.
posted by Jaime at 10/12/2004 12:18:00 AM
8 Comments:
Hey Grasshopper. Glad you finally posted. Anyway, I can say this for the future, never look farther than you can see. Only try to plan for tomorrow if you know what you want. It seems that of late you do not know what you want. Whereas some would try to convince you that this is a bad thing, to me it simply means you need to do a little self-evaluation to see what you want to do. Then you can plan for tomorrow.
Cheri, college is a time of changes in life and change in self. So of course, it's not as clear as high school or the beginnings of college. Do not fear the unknown. Embrace it and revel in it, for you want to be able to look back at your time at college and say, "I enjoyed that time in my life, scary as it seemed sometimes." When I was in school, the department my major was based out of changed it's scope from drafting/design to construction management. Was I scared? Hell yes I was fucking terrified! LOL! But...I learned to roll with the punches and do what needs to be done and live through it. That's a very, very important life lesson. One of the best, in fact.
Life for you has now turned into an adventure without a map. If you can't see your future, that means you can shoot for the stars and go for anything you can dream up. That's a very positive feeling when you look at it that way. I know I'm just some guy on a blog forum; but think about what I've said here. And don't be afraid. You're stronger than you think.
I'm always open to advice from people smarter than me, so please don't think I would write you off just because we've never met. One thing though...you're not the first person that has told me that I'm stronger than I think (or something similiar), but what if I really am only as strong as I think?
First, I wouldn't claim anyone on this forum, or in general, is "smarter" than you. Intelligence is a very subjective term; there are different levels of intelligence. Don't sell yourself so short.
Second, if you believe that you are only as strong as you think you are, then you won't be able to access strength when you need it most. Have a little faith in yourself, and know that it's ok to be afraid of the unknown as long as you strive forward nonetheless. Some of the bravest people in the history of the world suffered the greatest fear while breaking forward into the unknown. Think of the pilgrims coming to the new world; think of the first moon-walk, or better yet, the first space flight; think of those who go to war for a just cause, or even those who are sent to war for the wrong reasons but champion a just cause within it anyway. These people were/are most definitely afraid; but they keep on keeping on anyway.
I do know you, and you're one of the smartest people I know--even considering that you are still young. You're also very wise for your years, and the fact that you can't see where your headed is probably very scary. I can relate. My whole world came crashing down when my daughter was born. It became clear to me then that the things I had planned for my life weren't going to work. It was a scary thing, having to rebuild my whole life with no map. But you do eventually get through it.
You've always wanted to be a cheerleader. What about going pro?
Deadpool...you know good and damned well I'm not good enough to be a professional cheerleader. I just do it because it's fun...and because I like the skirt.
The previous post listed under Deadpool, was an accident. It was The Voice, he didn't realize that I was still signed into Blogger, so he posted in earnest thinking it would be to him that the comment was accredited. Alas that is not so, for it is I who recieve the credit for his verbatige. My vernacular has attained new heights, I am like a little Monarch over this new kindom which I dub Q-town. In Q-town, all of your intelligent thought will be accredited to me and me alone. All winners in the debates shall be I. This is what i now decree, go forth and report back to me my minions.
muhahahahahahah! :D
DP: Go to bed. You're crazy. Crazier than usual.
And regardless of who wrote the comment...I still only cheer 'cause of the skirt. Although I must admit, the pom poms are nice too...LOL
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